I Don't Wanna

Good morning ladies! I sincerely hope your weekend was full of rest and set you up for the smoothest Monday start! It felt as though I cooked myself into the next decade … however I am still hearing small voices ask what there is to eat! (It. Never. Stops!!)

Last week I watched this video on women in that moment of birth when your baby slides into this world. (If you are squeamish or sensitive, I would not recommend watching)

In seconds, I was weeping. I was taken right back to my births, to those raw, unfiltered experiences. And I remembered how terrified I felt, how at the mercy of this process, how unprepared.

Whether you have experienced child birth, or simply birth of another sort, you will know the pain and fear I am talking about. At one point in time, you said Yes to something, and a little further down the road, that Yes grew into something bigger than you can contain. That Yes wants out.

I know women that did ‘little things’ like take a pottery class, or pick up a camera, or try out yoga. The next thing they are inviting me to a ceramic factory, a gallery exhibition, a yoga retreat. They were not picturing the reveal when they initially said Yes. But this is now where they find themselves and it feels all kinds of wrong to try to say No to a Yes that has grown inside you. Like childbirth, that baby is coming, best you make room.

Watching women go on this journey, particularly the ones giving themselves more and more room to explore it, while still fully aware they have realities right now (a day job, a family, a home …) keeps me awestruck. A lot of the time, you are so thankful you are not the woman in that moment of labor. It all seems too hard, too painful, too much.

But then, there you are again, crying and screaming and exhausted and aware there is nothing left, but then you find it. And isn’t that the magic? Then you find it. Some ancient part of you keeps hearing the Yes you echoed and speaks it back to you. And so you must. You must write the book. You must do the gallery showing. You must stand in front of the microphone.

I think that none of it is easy. And the sooner we can let go of the concept of  ‘easy’ the better life will be for us. But what is truly hard? What steals pieces of our soul never to offer them back? I seem to notice it’s the times we say Yes when we should say No. Thank you, but No.

Could you work late on Friday? Thank you, but No. Could you bake cupcakes for Thursday’s tea? Thank you, but No. Could you just pick up something on your way over? Thank you, but No. Could you skip _____ (fill in the blank: yoga, journalling, running, pottery class, an hour of quiet …) Thank you, but No.

You see, so many of us think that saying No is personal. As if we are saying: I am not a nice person. I won’t help anyone ever. I am not with you. I am not …

It has nothing to do with Nice. It has to do with what you are birthing. You see, we can live Nice lives. And they are so perfectly Nice that we birth a life of Okay. We say Okay when we do not have a beautifully sure Yes or No in place. And after years and years of Okay, we still stand surprised at how ‘not-mine’ our lives are. We stand back amazed at how this is our reality. But look back at all our years of a reluctant Okay.

No woman desires a baby and imagines the birth. Most women fall pregnant and have this kind of dreaded anticipation: birth is coming, there is no way out but through.

This is your life. Right now. Every day you wake up, another opportunity to really live. You get to choose. Even the reluctant Okay is a choice you make.

Let’s get brave! Let’s go in search of a wild, exuberant Yes. It may start out really small, you may join a bunch of girls at an evening called She Speaks! But who knows where your Yes may lead you?